I’ve taken to deleting all the casting notices that come into my inbox. I just know that I’m not going out for any auditions anymore, so, why bother?

When I was in it, I had a couple of casting directors who called me in with some regularity but then those calls stopped coming. I didn’t do much to have them start up again.

Have you seen the Netflix show Glow? There’s a scene in the pilot where the casting director tells the main character, Ruth, I show you to people so they know who not to cast. And I had a bit of eureka moment, like, maybe I was that guy!! I’ve seen a few things in which I wasn’t cast and the actor that got it not only nailed it but brought something interesting to the spot that I hadn’t even thought of.

My ex once told me that she had no sympathy for me with regard not making it as an actor because I hadn’t really gone for it hard enough. To be fair, she had never auditioned for anything in her life and she also ended our four year relationship over the phone. So, consider the source. But there was some truth in what she said and it nagged at me. Did I not really go for it?

Because if you want something, like really want it, you won’t rest until you get it. I was never that way with acting.

And let me be clear, I am not an actor. Yes, I’m an improviser and a storyteller and a stand-up. So, I’m a performer and I take that seriously. But I never dedicated myself to the art or craft of acting. I took a few classes in college and did a couple of scenes but I was never cast in a Shakespeare or Chekov play. So, when I talk about “making it as an actor” those quotation marks are significant. I was just trying to get cast in come commercials to make some bread.

I took the class that you’re supposed to take (I always take the class that you’re supposed to take), the Brooke and Mary class. I memorized my copy. I learned to slate. I read for some casting directors at the last class. I sent out headshots and resumes. I heard from one casting director with whom I freelanced. She sent me out on one audition four months after we met.

I didn’t get it.

I booked one commercial in my year foray into the acting world. I flew down to Orlando to shoot the spot and people saw it a year later and posted about it on my Facebook wall. The rest of my acting career was being an extra, or, sorry, a background actor.

There are people who get on set and they thing to themselves, “I belong here.” The production of content speaks to them. I don’t think that I am one of those people.

One of the more difficult things for an anxiety ridden person is to nail down one’s own thoughts. My acting career is one of those things. Am I really okay with not being an actor or is it just sour grapes? Is it really that it turned out to be not the best life for me or am I just justifying? I guess I’ll never really know.

I tried to audition for about two years. In American lore, we love to hear about the person who took a risk and changed their life. What we rarely hear about is the person who quit his job to start pursuing money making acting opportunities and nothing really came of it.

The natural conclusion of this is, “Well, at least you know now.”

I’m here to tell you, you know what? The fantasy of the life not lived is pretty good too.