The Dump I Just Took
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The Dump I Just Took

I once took a sketch comedy writing class with Kevin Allison (from The State and, these days, of the Risk podcast) and he invited David Wain and Michael Showalter to come talk to the class. Michael Showalter said something about comedy that has stuck with me ever since. He said if something is funny to you and your friends, you can make it funny to an audience. It was revelatory to me because I couldn’t disagree more and I was finally able to put a finger on why I hated the Stella shorts so much.

You are never dumber than when you are with your friends. Furthermore, the closer you are with the friend, the dumber your jokes become.

Jon is my oldest friend. We went to kindergarten together and have been hanging out, pretty consistently, since the fifth grade. Through the years there have been many laughs. Many of them have been dumb. Some have been from entertainment, like the episode of Ren and Stimpy where the fat lady’s ass burns up upon re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. Some have been from the world around us, like that guy’s epic fart in the bathroom of The Strong Museum that had us laughing like Beavis and Butthead after that sex ed class. No one will ever understand why we both love Take the Hit by David Spade so much. But we do.

And there is a bond of stupidity that ties us together. Staying up on a Saturday night in high school to win Sonic the Hedgehog (again), alternating levels, while everyone else was at a party or smoking the pot or doing whatever it was that those cool kids did.

A friendship like this allows for discussions of an intimate nature, discussions that delve into the most private parts of our lives, discussions about taking a dump. Color, consistency, density, duration, and obviously aroma, we’ve discussed it all. Jon even initiated a project in which we wrote haikus about taking a dump. There are hundreds of those.

Then one day, about a year ago, he sent a simple instant message.

The dump I just took killed its trainer at Sea World.

It killed me. I actually laughed out loud and I was alone. Then a couple of weeks later:

I think the dump I just took erased the magnetic stripes on my credit cards.

This killed me again. So I got in on the action.

I just took a dump so big Han Solo owes it money.

Much like John Caponera and Drew Carey trading big dick jokes (listed in Drew Carey’s Dirty Jokes and Beer, my favorite being “My dick is so big it has a dick and even my dick’s dick is bigger than your dick.”) Jon and I have begun trading “the dump I just took” jokes. So here, for your consideration and amusement, are some of the highlights, starting with one of Jon’s then alternating with one of mine, just like Sonic the Hedgehog levels.

I will be legally obligated to divulge the dump I just took on my next job application.

Jon Krakauer wrote a book about the dump I just took.

The dump I just took was so big Neil Degrasse Tyson explained it on TV.

I just took a dump so big Fox News blamed it on Obama.

Right after the dump I just took, Morgan Freeman laughed, took his cap off and slapped it against his thigh, and said “well I’ll be.”

I never had a dump like the one I did on March 5th and 8th – Jesus, does anyone?

Critics called the dump I just took “a potent metaphor for post-9/11 anxiety.”

I think I was supposed to raise a thousand dollars for charity before I could take that dump.

The dump I just took will appear to you in a vision and reveal your true nature.

The dump I took just told me it was okay to eat fruit from the forbidden tree.

Did You Know?  The dump I just took was first laid from New York to London in 1904, to coordinate shipping routes.

Against all odds, the US Men’s Hockey team beat the dump I just took in the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid.

The dump I just took has a 5 year / 50,000 mile full powertrain warranty, it has more carrying capacity than any other dump in its class.

The dump I just took should have been caesarian.

The dump I just took was granted a permanent seat on the UN Security Council.

A homeless man was screaming on the street that the dump I just took can hear his thoughts… he’s right.

The dump I just took is attempting to contact its home planet.

Our friendship is like Stand By Me except neither one of us has been stabbed in the throat, we haven’t seen a dead body, and we talk about poop more.

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