Outsider 2016
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We really hate the president, don’t we?

I don’t mean Obama necessarily – though plenty do – nor do I mean Bush, Clinton, Bush, or Reagan. I just mean that we hate whomever happens to be president. And the hate is so total that it’s paradoxical. The president is a fascist socialist, a tyrant dictator who’s weak on terror, beholden to Wall Street and harbinger of the welfare state. Furthermore, anyone who wants to be president is a liar just by virtue of wanting the job. No one – not one person – has ever wanted to be president to serve the country. No, each president has simply wanted to take the position by force in order to further a secret agenda.

He wants to take our guns! 

That’s never happened and it never will.

He’s anti-Christian!

Literally every president has been Christian.

He’s a socialist!

Given the amount of billionaires we have, he’s a shitty one.

He’s a fascist head of a police state!

Go outside and tell the first person you see, “I hate the president.” You and your family won’t be shot. What else?

He sucks!

Well, fair point.

And that’s how we come, every election, to say that we need an outsider.

The Outsider Isn’t Part of Politics as Usual

You know what our problem is with presidential candidates? They’re all career politicians and that’s exactly what we don’t need – another politician. In fact, we expressly require that the president never have been on track to become president. Not only that, we don’t want the outsider to have even associated with all of the career politicians that are the problem.

Of course! Why would you want most powerful politician in the country to have had a career in politics?

Allow me, for a moment, to make a generalization about careers. One enters a field, gains skills and experience, and rises through the ranks. Eventually, one becomes an expert in one’s field and attains a leadership position.

Right? Pretty logical.

Unless that person is president of the United States, in which case, we need someone who has never even been sullied by the career before.

In what other industry would that make sense? “I want my kitchen re-modeled. You know what I need? A real home improvement outsider, someone who’s never even picked up a hammer.”

The Outsider is Going to Clean Up Washington

We hate the president but hot damn do we like our rugged individuals. We need someone who is going to get in there and take care of business. This president will declare our enemies and then look theme straight in the eye and give ’em what fer!

Putin. Kim Jong Un. Terrorists. We’re coming for you, we’re coming alone, and we’re going to bomb you back to the stone age. Because being president requires no diplomacy other than a boot meeting an ass. Singlehandedly taking on the world, regardless of what other nations who might be allies think, is not only a good idea, it’s the right thing to do. And there’s no downside! Just ask England.

Big banks? You’re toast when the outsider gets a hold of you. The outsider is going to dismantle you and then everyone will have jobs again. I foresee that process taking roughly a month. Game, set, and match, outsider!

The Outsider is a Regular Person

Here’s the deal, we need a regular person who understands the people. We don’t need one of those elites running the country. You know the type – someone who went to an elite school, excelled at that school then attended another elite school and excelled at that school which led to attending another elite school, which, in turn lead to accomplishments in a chosen field, perhaps law or government. No thank you. We need one of us.

Look, I know us. I am us. I assure you, we need someone who is smarter than us.

Can you name any other position in which you would want someone who is not smarter or more skilled than you? Financial adviser? Accountant? Lawyer? “Your bypass is going to be performed by a down home God fearing doctor, not one of those elite surgeons.”

The idea that someone will finally listen to the will of the people is also precarious given that, now more than ever, doing “the will of the people” will make half of the country mildly begrudgingly happy and the other half enraged beyond reason.

So, let’s leave that aside for a second and examine a more specific aspect of this phenomenon.

The Outsider Will Get a Beer With You

I’m fascinated by the idea of wanting to have a beer with the president.

Taken literally this is a logistical nightmare. Are we talking one on one time? So, three hundred million beers? No, that’s ridiculous. We should do it in groups. Also, we’ll excuse the sober, the very old, the under-twenty-one, and fans of wine and cocktails. Even if we do it in groups of twenty – not exactly quality time with the commander in chief – we’re still talking liver busting volumes of beer for the president who has, you know, other stuff to do.

The Outsider Doesn’t Exist

We pretend he does. George W. Bush was the son of a president and yet voters convinced themselves he was an outsider to vote for him.

Think about this. Every president has been either a general, a governor, a congressman, a senator, a vice president, or a combination thereof. On four occasions, we have had presidents from the same family (FDR, apparently, was distantly related to eleven). In other words, we have literally never had an outsider.

Presidents have done awful things. Started wars. Presided over and given tacit approval to slavery and genocide. Dropped nuclear bombs. Set up internment camps. Ordered drone strikes on civilians.

The person who has done those things has always been one of us, an American. Every single time. We bear that weight on our shoulders because that’s the best that we could do.

So, yeah, it’s enough to make you want an outsider.

But believe me, we’re not going to get one.


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