Every week we bring you advice from The Asshole Commenting on Your Friend’s Facebook Status. Seemingly out of nowhere, as if he wasn’t even part of the conversation in any way, The Asshole Commenting on Your Friend’s Facebook Status brings you some no holds barred straight talk with just a dash of heart.
Hey, Asshole Commenting on My Friend’s Facebook Status, I’m having problems with my son. He used to be such a good student but he’s been running with a bad crowd. He’s been drinking and letting his grades slip. How do I get him to listen to me?
Typical liberal. Benghzai, ever heard of it? How can you call Trump a narcissist and not your fuhrer Barry O? Also nown as Barock “Hussein” Obama? Trump got him to show his birth certificate because HE is NOT a birther. Lies? Okay, libtard, where did you get your “facts”? CNN? The Clinton News Network? Killary was too busy ordering the deaths of Americans. It’s called Benghazi, ever heard of it? Um, I know you libruls open your dictionary less than you open your bible but look up “treeson” guess who’s picture is next to it? Hate America much? I know you do, that’s why you vote Democrat. Trump’s not going to give you a participation trophy, millienial, get used to it. So, take your liberal tears to Mexico, Bernie Sanders. It’s called “The constitution.” Learn about it.
Also, talk to your son, calmly, face to face. Treat him like an adult, he’ll respect your honesty. Children need boundaries. All adolescents go through a rebellious phase and it’s your job to provide those boundaries. But be consistent! Remember love isn’t a noun, it’s a verb. Good luck!
Hey, Asshole Commenting on My Friend’s Facebook Status, my mother in law is constantly putting me down with passive aggressive comments and I can’t handle it. It’s usually fine but my son’s third birthday is this weekend and she’ll be there. My son loves his Nana so much. I just don’t want anything to spoil the day. I’m at my wit’s end, what should I do?
Oh, I’m a racist? Racism, if I recall, is judging a person on the basis of his or her race. That makes Burruk “Hussein” Osama the biggest racist that ever occupied the White House. Sorry for the “logic.” Isn’t it time for you to pray to Mecka? Shhhhh, don’t worry, I won’t tell Jesus. He doesn’t know what a liberal is anyway. Yeah, Christianity isn;t illegul andymore! Benghazi, ever heard of it? Yeah, it’s called tyranny. Oops, sorry to bruise your liberal “ears.”
Also, honesty is the best policy, talk to your mother in law and tell her how much she’s hurting you. I can’t promise that it will go well but your conscience will be clear. The path to understanding is filled with peaks and valleys but we must walk it. Good luck!
Hey, Asshole Commenting on My Friend’s Facebook Status, my neighbors have been complaining about my dog’s barking. I’ve tried training but to no avail. I even tried a muzzle but I just can’t bring myself to do it to poor Petey. The landlord has given me an ultimatum, either the dog goes or I lose my apartment. What do I do?
Um, it was called the National “Socialist” Party. Maybe you “can” thiNK abut is oin your next “march.” Oh, I”m sorry, I forgot, libreals don’t “think.” It’s called logic. Benghazi, ever heard of it? But no one can listen to a white male. Thanks bill of “rights.” I’m automatically racist, right? Yeah, good one, I’m glad they’re teaching that to my children in public schools. You libtards sure like your socialism. Free stuff, that’s a good lesson. No one ever has to do anythign with the governemt to bale them out? Benghazi, ever heard of it? Excuse me, I just have to wash all of this blood off of my hands from Hillary’s murders. Yeah, the liberal medai won’t tell you about that. Um, it’s called reading? I didn’t know that “truth” was “illegal.”
Also, your dog is part of your family. I think what your landlord is doing is wrong but, if it’s in your lease, the law is the law. Your home is a special place and you need to create it however you see fit. I think the best course of action is to leave and find a new place, maybe further out in the country so Petey has a yard to run in! Good luck!
Hey, Asshole Commenting on My Friend’s Facebook Status, who starred as Brick in the original Broadway production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?
Ben Gazzara, ever heard of him?
Hey, Asshole Commenting on My Friend’s Facebook Status, ever since my divorce, my social life has really suffered. Ending my marriage was the right decision but what I didn’t know was how much my life was based around couple activities. It’s almost like I divorced my friends but right now is when I need them the most! What do I do?
Oh, I guess we’re beliveing the lamestream media now, huh, “LIE”-berul? Sorry aobut “the economy”, no it’s not free stuff but Karl Marx never wrote about that, i bet. Robert Byrd was in the KKK, remember him? Noooo, let’s blame Trump and dishonor the office of the precidency. White pride is a dirty word? Thanks so much for the reverse racism. Look up hipocrite, tell me what it says. Think about it, “Democrat” while you’re crying your snowflake tears…
Hey, Asshole Commenting on My Friend’s Facebook Status, are you okay?
Huh. It’s been a while since anyone asked me that.
You know what? I don’t know. Sometimes I think that I sit behind a computer screen too much, that I don’t spend enough time with actual people, making real connections.
I guess, when you’re younger you have this expectation that the world will match your own personal best version for the world. Part of growing up is realizing that those two things will never be the same, that the world is full of compromise. Some battles will be lost, maybe most of them. That hurts. It makes me angry and I have no outlet for that frustration. I mean, did your life end up exactly as you planned? Whose does, right?
You know sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night. It’s not insomnia or anything, it’s more like a bad dream. I wake up and feel cold and I catch my breath like I had just been drowning and my chest feels heavy and I try to remember the nightmare that I just had but as soon as I regain consciousness it’s gone, you know? After that I just can’t sleep. So, I go into my living room and I just sit there, in the dark. I sit on my couch and I try to envelop myself in stillness and quiet. I sit there and I can hear my own breath. Sometimes it gets so silent I can hear my own heartbeat in my ears. I listen in the perfect silence for something – anything – you know? I always thought that out of the silence would come the simplest truth, almost something divine. Is it God? I don’t know but there has to be more than this, right?
So, I sit there in the dead of night listening and do you know what I hear? Guess what I hear.
There’s nothing there. And that shocks me to my core and the tears stream down my face and I think what is this? What is this all for? What if there’s no afterlife and no God and we’re just specks floating in vast, unforgiving universe? Then what?
Oh man, I should really stop saying “libtard.” Using “tard” after anything is just hurtful. My cousin Billy has Down Syndrome and if he ever heard me use the r-word, I know it would hurt him and that would just break my heart. And can I tell you something else? I mean, now that we’re really talking? I don’t know what Benghazi is. Is it a place? Is it a person?
Am I okay? I guess, in my own way, I’m just trying to reach out to people to find some kind of peace.
Also, Sandyhook was a liberal conspiracy to steal our guns.
Hey, Asshole Commenting on My Friend’s Facebook Status, I’m thinking of a blog post with a premise that is very similar to a popular series of Onion articles. Should I still write it?
Yeah, go for it.