Initially I mocked the green and yellow squares that just started appearing on social media. Like most social media trends, I felt completely out of the loop. What the hell was this game and how was it that everyone discovered it and started playing it? My friends started a Wordle GroupMe group chat. I was included and asked to be removed.

That was roughly a year and a half ago.

You know the after school special where the straight-A student doesn’t party but then takes one sip of beer or one hit of a joint and a montage later is such a big junkie that the character who offered the first drink or hit is saying, “hey, man, take it easy”? Well, that’s me with Wordle. I forget why I started but that first win and the Vanna White cascade of letters turning to green must have caused a Requiem for a Dream, dilated-pupils flush of dopamine.

I had a daily habit. I asked to be let back in to the GroupMe. I experimented with the movie and geography Wordle games. But I really kicked my habit up with Quordle, Octordle, and Sedecordle (simultaneous Wordles: four, eight, and sixteen at a time, respectively).

Now no one has ever accused me of being excessively chill. So, in my newfound obsession, I have thrown some serious hissy fits. It is not uncommon to find me walking my dog in the morning and screaming to no one, “Fucking, come on!” when I type UNITE and the word is UNTIE or I get caught in a “_O_ER” or “_OUND” death trap.* I have lashed out at dear, lifelong friends who are gloating over getting the lowest score in the group like a Major League Baseball catcher who doesn’t like the way the batter is trotting the bases after a home run. The day I lost on the word BOOZE I went on a profanity laden tirade wishing unspeakable horrors that I’m too ashamed to repeat on the editors of the NYT (but that word is fucking slang and you can’t tell me different, I’m not exactly happy with SNAFU, either, but I did get that one).

* the first word I ever lost on was SWILL after playing SKILL, STILL, SPILL and SHILL, I’ll never forget

I never thought that I would have this many opinions about five letter words but the longer I play the more I notice patterns.

My Groups

My initial GroupMe is with my high school friends. Each day we submit our scores. In order to win the day, you have to beat everyone. Two people get 2/6? No winner. One person gets 4/6 and that’s the lowest score that day? Winner. We play to 10 and then start over. There was talk of some sort of prize for winners but that never materialized. It’s really just for bragging rights: bragging rights that, as I have eluded to, can send ole Robby on a mean-spirited tirade against people whose weddings I attended.

FUN FACT: Among five college educated people who play this game pretty much daily, resulting in close to a thousand attempts at this game to date, only one of us has won Wordle on the first guess. It was Greg. He can kiss my ass.

There’s a subset of this group loosely inspired by the guys on the Smartless podcast. We play Quordle and Octordle and then add all three scores together, lowest score wins. Ties are rare. No prizes, no end in site. Due to an episode of Smartless where Will Arnett said he got a 77 – a very good score, by the way – a 77 is called an “Arnett.” An 88 is called a “classic.” Lowest Qurodle score: 14 (me). Lowest Octordle score: 45 (Pat). Lowest total: 70 (me, not coincidentally on the same day I got the 14 in Quordle).

Okay, Technically That’s a Word But…

Certain words piss me off. These are the words that are in the dictionary and have meanings. I also respect that you need to scrape the bottom of the barrel when you have to come up with puzzles every day. But WOOER? PAYEE? I lost Quordle on OVINE once and lost it. And then CONIC. And while I’m at it, fuck comparative adjectives. TAMER?

Look, Ma, No Vowels!

SHYLY, SLYLY, and DRYLY. I get it. “And sometimes Y.” Very clever. Fuck you.

Just One Consonant, Please

MUMMY, MOMMY, DADDY, PUPPY, SISSY. Guessing these always feels like a test of wills, like you’re calling the guy who just raised $100 after the flop like he’s got pocket aces.

Where’s the Line, Exactly?

I have yet to see WHORE, PENIS, PUSSY, or VULVA but I have encountered GONAD, HUSSY, BIGOT, and PUBIC.

Death Traps

_O_ER and _I_ER are the 7/10 splits of Wordle. MOVER, BOXER, and DIVER are never the answer and yet I keep guessing them.

And then you have killers:

• _ROWN could be DROWN, CROWN, FROWN, BROWN, or GROWN
• _ATCH could be HATCH, CATCH, LATCH, PATCH, MATCH, or WATCH
• _OUND could be FOUND, BOUND, POUND, SOUND, HOUND, or WOUND

Not to mention: PLASM and PSALM, TERRY and RETRY, SLIME and SMILE, UNTIL and UNLIT, GROAN and ORGAN, SOUTH and SHOUT, SAINT and SATIN, ARTSY and STRAY, TONAL and TALON, SUPER and PURSE, SERVE and SEVER. I’ve been burned by each of them one time or another and it hurt. It hurt bad.

Mix It Up, Please

Quordle and Octordle seem to be very fond of the aforementioned OVINE and CONIC but there are few more words that I swear have appeared multiple times, overrepresented for how often they are used in every day life: DRUID, VINYL, BITTY and BIDDY (is there a difference?).

Hard Mode

The one strategy that I failed to embrace was to play a random guess: a word with a bunch of different consonants when I’m caught in a death trap. Why? Because I play in hard mode. “Any revealed hints must be played in subsequent guesses,” all for a fucking asterisk next to my score. I think it has cost me a few losses.

If You’re Still With Me…

You get it. You’re just as obsessed. Of course, this too shall pass. Wordle will go the way of the pet rock and fidget spinner sooner than we think but for now it’s a nice little obsession.

P.S. today I lost in a death trap and yesterday’s word, DITTO, was as dumb as BOOZE and SNAFU. Come on, NYT, you’re better than that.