Hello, Americans, it’s time once again for the World Cup! If you’re a fan of soccer, you’re already talking about the tournament. You’re probably confused about the expansion to 48 teams and cautious about the quality of the tournament in the United States. Or you’re one of the people who’s been asking, “What the hell is it? Who do I root for? And what exactly is the point of the game again?”
You aren’t the people I need to talk to, I need to talk to the average American sports fan who only watches soccer during the World Cup. You love baseball, football, basketball, maybe even hockey and you have lots of opinions about those sports. That’s great. But when it comes to the World Cup, shut the fuck up about the diving.
Every World Cup, an American who doesn’t watch and has no frame of reference for the sport will say to me, “I’d watch soccer if it weren’t for all the diving.”
I assure you, no you wouldn’t. Soccer has been readily available in the United States for well over a decade, if you aren’t watching, diving isn’t the reason.
“But, bro, you can’t tell me…”
Shut up, American sports fan, I’m not done.
I’ve been watching World Cups since 1990. In fact, my father taped the England vs. West Germany semi-final on VHS (yeah, VHS and West Germany – I’ve been watching that long) and I watched it over and over and over again because I was so starved for soccer content. These days, I’d say I watch over a hundred games a year. I play pick up soccer with friends who are similarly obsessed. You know what we never talk about? The diving.
“But, my dude, he’s flopping around like…”
Shut. The fuck. Up.
You know in The Big Lebowski when Walter says, “Donny, you’re out of your element?” You’re out of your element. The fact of the matter is, you’re used to American football. You don’t think anything hurts unless you hear an audible crunch that gives Parkinson’s Disease to the recipient at the age of 30. When elite athletes running at top speed get kicked by other elite athletes running at top speed, it hurts. And the fact that that player then continues a couple of minutes later is not proof that they were faking, it means that the pain has subsided and they can continue. It doesn’t mean that they were diving or flopping or whatever the hell else you want to call it.
“But, big guy, I have a right to…”
Your own opinion? Yup, you sure do but fucking save it. I’m not done.
Two World Cups ago, a friend of mine said that they need to have video cameras on these players so they can assess whether or not someone was faking. I thought that was the dumbest idea I had ever heard.
Well, joke’s on me because they created it. It’s called VAR – Video Assistant Referee. It gets used several times per game. But guess what is almost never gets used for? That’s right – diving. What it does get used for is slowing down challenges to make a yellow card look like a red card, deciding that a goal doesn’t count because the striker’s kneecap was offside, and either awarding or taking away penalty kicks. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it used to punish diving.
The World Cup comes around every four years, it’s really cool. Soccer fans love it. There are billions of people on planet earth obsessed with it and I guarantee you the only people complaining about the diving are Americans. When you complain about the diving you ruin the game for me.
“But, broseph, I’m just…”
Yeah, you’re just speaking your mind. I get it. I’m also American and no one can tell me what not to say and blah blah blah blah blah. I get it. But let’s imagine a couple of scenarios, shall we?
Let’s say it’s the World Series and you’re sitting next to a Norwegian and after a batter goes to first the Norwegian says to you, “why did the batter go to the first base?”
“Oh, it was an intentional walk.”
“Uh huh… uh huh… but why put the man on the first base, he can score a run now, no? Why not have the pitcher pitch to him to make a strike out?”
“[Sigh] he’s a power hitter and there’s a guy on second, so first is open. This puts force back in play.”
“Yes, okay, I see. But now you have a player who can score a run, so….”
“Buddy, it’s the right call. Please be quiet.”
Or maybe you’re watching the Super Bowl and someone from Switzerland sidles up next to you. “It’s curious that they are kicking the football.”
“It’s fourth down. You punt on fourth down.”
“Uh huh, okay, but shouldn’t they try to throw the touchdown pass into the endzone for the touchdown?”
“[Sigh] um, no, it’s just what happens on fourth down.”
“Okay… okay… but surely the Tom Brady can throw a touchdown to the endzone for the points, no?”
“Tom Brady’s retired. Who are you? Can you go away, please?”
It would be annoying, right?
That’s what it’s like listening to Americans complain about the diving. I wrote about this before in 2018: If You Don’t Like the Diving, Don’t Watch the Damn Game. It’s not all that different from what I’m saying here but I’d like to reiterate a few points.
First, soccer does not need to cater to Americans. Billions of people watch this sport (and call it football, by the way). If you don’t get it, fine. If it doesn’t appeal to you, fine. If you don’t like the diving, fine. But do me a favor, talk about it like you’re a guest visiting somewhere, not like you’re a Karen who wants to speak to the manager because you’re not satisfied with the experience.
Also, please spare me the, “if our best athletes played soccer, we’d be the best in the world,” argument. Ironically, that statement shows why American men (and sorry, I have in fact been speaking only about the men’s game, the dominance of our women’s team is a topic for another time – perhaps next summer during the Women’s World Cup) never will be a world power. We as Americans have so little respect for soccer that we think that the only reason we aren’t the best at it is because we haven’t felt like it yet. We are so far behind Europe, South American, and Africa, I can honestly say that the USMNT won’t win a World Cup in my lifetime.
But second, and most important, if you want to debate diving, I absolutely will. I just want to do it in September, okay? You gather your arguments for why diving is so corrosive, brainstorm your solutions and then, in September, we’ll hash it out.
Spoiler alert: this debate won’t happen because you will have forgotten all about soccer in September. That’s my point.
I hope you enjoy the World Cup. I really do. Root for the U.S. and also pick another team to follow once the U.S. gets knocked out (Brazil, Argentina, France, or Germany are all solid choices – I’m going with England). Just remember, if you don’t like the diving, you can always turn off the game.
“Bro, can I say something now?”
No.
