This morning, after getting out of bed and briefly checking NY1 for the weather, I went to the chair I placed in the corner of my living room, opened my meditation app, and hit play on today’s guided meditation.

On the one hand, I feel good about having a bourgeoning meditation practice. On the other hand, I’m disappointed in myself that I have to use an app to do it.

I tried meditating in the past but it never really stuck. I would roll out a yoga mat and set a timer for ten minutes, then sit cross legged on the floor and try to focus on my breathing. I would try to clear my head of thoughts and I discovered the twin paradoxes of meditation: nothing clutters the mind like trying to clear the mind and those who need meditation the most are the ones with the busiest minds.

I would be constantly bothered by the voices in my head. They weren’t negative or unproductive, the were just inane. It was more like a random assortment of trivia just popping up and then associating to some other random idea or sensation forming a long chain of banality. Then I would try to focus more and get treated to thoughts like this: Okay, focus on the breath. Just focus on the breath. But what is focus exactly? Wait, I’m thinking verbally. If I think the words “focus on the breath” is my mind empty? Wait, am I thinking right now? I’m not supposed to, right? Am I doing this wrong? Did I set the timer on my phone? How long have I been doing this? This has to be more than ten minutes, right? 

The app I use is called Headspace. I got hooked on the free three-minute intro meditations. The app provides some intention and some direction which ironically allows my mind to be more at ease. Listening to the (conveniently British) voice coming out of my phone let’s me know that, at the very least, I’m not doing it wrong.

The benefits are subtle but real. I’m getting more comfortable with all of the moments of my day. I’m not as impatient to hurry to the next thing, whatever that happens to be. I still have angry and frustrating thoughts but I’m able to notice them and decide if I want to engage.

I also have a calorie counting app that’s made me more conscious about the food I choose to eat. Both of these apps have colorful, gamelike user interfaces that count the amount of days I use them, which I’m sure is as much about marketing and data collecting as it is about my success.

So, apparently I can’t just take care of my mental and physical health. I need an app that tracks it and tells me how long my streak is. I can’t tell if this is some sort of mental weakness or moral failure. I also don’t know if that matters as long as it works.

Yeah, I’ll go with that. Whatever works.

Namaste.